I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize