I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
