I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
