and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize