apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
