Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
