Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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