i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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