i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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