I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
