Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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