Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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