dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
