she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
