I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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