I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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