I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize