So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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