im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
