Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
