i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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