The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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