I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
