I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
