Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
