I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
