forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
