I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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