Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just forgot I was standing up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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