The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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