So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
