So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
