I faked an abortion last night.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
