i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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