I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
