I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
