I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
