dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize