I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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