speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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