My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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