If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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