Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
