My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
