bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
