me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
