If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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