Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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