Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
