New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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