I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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