A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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