I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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