I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize