Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
