god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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