Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
