so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
