When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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