He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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