I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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