If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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