I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
