your thong is hanging out like whoa
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
