i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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