Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm determined to sit on that face.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
