Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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