what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
