Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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